A big, poorly whinge.

I know I’ve been quiet on here for a while. To be honest I made sure I switched off completely during the summer holidays and then work and a demanding two year old has prevented me from finishing any of the many, many draft blog posts that I have started and forgotten about over the last few weeks.

It’s been pretty much go go go in this house with Joe and I returning to work and Liv returning to nursery. We fall in to a routine which means I might catch an hour sat on the sofa when tea is cooked and a load of washing is done and Liv is finally bathed and in bed. It’s been pretty non-stop, right up until these last two weeks when everything has just stopped.

Since I’ve had my nightmare implant removed (which is a whole other story that I am sick of repeating to various doctors) I have been in pain, I suppose general discomfort really until the last few weeks when it has increased tenfold. A full day in hospital last week revealed a 5cm ovarian cyst, harmless apart from the pain and seemingly in the wrong place as the pain down my legs and across my back is informing me. I am struggling to sit, struggling to stand, feeling sick with the pain and hobbling around wincing and clenching my fists. It’s not a good look.

I thought I could defeat it with pain relief, and it was only when the chemist asked me with a raised eyebrow whether I’d ever taken codeine before that I began to wonder if that was the wrong choice too.

Unfortunately, the chemist was right. The fog of codeine rendering me unable to drive or concentrate on even reading and comprehending made that a total no go for work too.

Eventually I gave up, bit the bullet and crawled to the doctors last Monday afternoon, practically begging for a note and some time to rest and heal.

I’ve now had a full week off work and I feel like I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup. I have become best friends with the box sets, watching hour after hour of series that I have been threatening to watch for years. I’ve watched that much Grey’s Anatomy that I could possibly qualify as a brain surgeon now. In actual fact, last night I started washing all the way up my arms at the kitchen sink as though I was preparing to scrub in rather than cook some spaghetti. Shamefully I have even downloaded two (yes, two) versions of Candy Crush to keep me occupied through the long, quiet days. (Jelly saga is arguably the best, but I’m ashamed to even have an opinion.)

I am losing my mind. Yes, I realise that some people have it so much worse but I am lonely and bored and in pain and I have had enough.

Yesterday I thought I felt slightly better, I was more upbeat than I have been in a while, cheerfully and excitedly texting back anyone who was checking up on me that I actually felt good. As a result I decided to get dressed today and go to my mum’s for a while. The feeling good didn’t last long. I was in agony while I was there and have been ever since. I’m laid on the sofa now, typing this whinge fest of a blog post with my heart sinking that I thought I was getting better and I’m quite clearly not. It is almost impossible for me to even sit on a chair for any length of time. It seems the only time I feel even close to alright is when I am laid down, and I am sick of laying down.

A card delivered this morning signed by all my gorgeous year sevens and a super thoughtful colleague made me fill up and feel even more lonely and out of the loop. My two year old keeps asking me if I’m going to be ok soon and the guilt of missing work and more so missing out on Liv is becoming quite consuming.

Roll on the hospital on Monday and roll on getting some answers as to when I will feel human again, whether through rest and patience or surgery. I miss my classes and my routine and I miss actually having a reason to wear mascara.

In the meantime thank you to everyone who is having to fill in for me. Thank you to the people at work who don’t need this extra work in their already busy day, thank you to the people who have popped in and text and thank you to everyone at home that is pitching in and being the parent I want to be to my lovely little girl. It is appreciated more than you know.

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